


All's Not Fair with Love and War

by TranscendentalSpaceGem



Series: Matching Contradictions [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, F/M, General Angst, Look it's basically just 4000+ words of Connie dealing with some stuff, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 10:43:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23470072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TranscendentalSpaceGem/pseuds/TranscendentalSpaceGem
Summary: Connie's destiny is Steven Universe and there's nothing she can do about it.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Series: Matching Contradictions [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766158
Comments: 46
Kudos: 136





	All's Not Fair with Love and War

Connie had thought she and Steven had an understanding. Sure they hadn’t said it out loud in any official way but she thought that they didn't have to. She had thought it was like so many other things between her and Steven where they got each other so well nothing had to be said. Saying it out loud was a waste of breath and time. Knowing was enough. She knew. He knew.

Or she had thought he knew. She had thought he understood.

It had taken everything Connie had in her to finally press her lips to Steven Universe, like she almost had many times over the last few years of their friendship. Even then she had chickened out last second and aimed for his cheek instead. She had hoped that she could do it, give them each time to process it by going off to space camp and then revisit it in a few weeks when she got back. Lion popping up mid-speech from an actual astronaut on the importance of safety while in the gravity test chamber ruined that plan. At that moment going back to camp wasn’t at the top of her priority list. She _was_ going to go back. Probably the next morning but that night Connie wanted to be with Steven.

"Well, that was crazy, right?" She said as she leaned against the banister of the new deck outside of Steven's new room. "Though I suppose crazy is just our normal."

"Yeah, I guess it is." He laughed. His apologetic smile was so genuine. "Sorry about ruining Space camp."

"Don't be, silly! You needed me. That’s way more important than space camp or a rock show! Besides I'll just head back in the morning."

Most people never noticed the split seconds where Steven's smile dropped before flipping back on like a light switch. Connie did. She always noticed. "I'm glad it all worked out then!"

Connie inched closer to him. Too much in fact as her arm ended up being pressed to his arm. "Steven, you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" He half-laughed.

Connie laughed too. It was hard not to laugh. Steven's smallest laugh was as strong as most people's belly laughs. "I don’t know. Maybe because some gem just slammed an injector into the planet, took away all your powers and tried to kill you, the entire Earth and everyone on it. That's crazy, Steven!"

"Yeah but you said it yourself; crazy is our normal!" Another quick off and on switch of his smile. Looking back at it she should have pushed.

"Alright." She turned to the beach in front of them and said maybe the worst thing she could have in that moment, "You off kissing duty?"

"Yeah for now." Connie saw his face light up, “But I don’t have to be.”

There was both a hesitation and a boldness in there that was new to Steven when it came to non-gem related things. Something shy she felt she hadn't seen in him since they spent the day rolling around Beach City in a bright pink bubble. Something brave she knew she had seen in him the first time he asked her to dance with him on the beach and Stevonnie came into being. Something Connie honestly wasn’t sure she was ready for. So instead she said, “I think the Earth will be okay for a bit.”

Smile off and back on. “Eh, you’re probably right.” 

Her chest ached but she had no other answer for him yet. It’s why she had done it right before she left. To process the kiss even though it had been entirely her idea. She needed to be sure that was what she wanted. Be sure that it was what _Steven_ wanted. How could either of them be expected to make such a big decision without all the data first? Although even in a day with an amnesia ridden family, the possibility of total human extinction, several brushes with death, an impromptu therapy session for a gem he never met and fixing their dying planet, Steven had apparently still found the time to process and decide he very much wanted kissing to be added into their dynamic. Connie felt more than just a little stupid for not having that same confidence. _She_ had kissed him after all.

"Hey,” she said when the quiet of watching the others on the beach got to her, “Did I tell you that I'm going to Cram school in the fall?"

"Oh yeah? That's great!" He said it with that excitement he was not only known for, but basically defined by. “I’m happy for you, Connie.”

"Steven," she asked with a smirk and slight giggle, "Do you even know what Cram school is?"

"No but if you're going it must be good!"

"It's college prep stuff. You know a lot of extra homework and P.S.A.Ts, academic drills and accelerated learning."

"So not good..?"

"It's good!" she assured him before feeling herself frown, "It just also means I'll be really busy."

"Oh yeah?" He didn’t hide how his smile fell that time. She didn’t blame him. 

"Yeah. And I'm not sure how often we'll get to see each other." They were probably going to have two weeks together at most between space camp and cram school.

"Oh." She noticed him touch his hand to his cheek. The same one she had kissed less than 48 hours ago. "That's okay! I've got lots of stuff going on at little homeworld anyway. We're actually setting up a school of our own over there. Cool, right? It was Pearl's idea."

"Why Steven, how scholarly!" She was doing one of their bits but was genuinely proud of him and everything he had accomplished. "So I guess that means we'll both be pretty busy."

"Yeah, guess so." His hand lingered on to his cheek for a moment longer before he perked up, "But we won't always be busy, right? At some point school will be done for us both and we can see each other again! As much as we want!"

"Definitely!" She agreed with a hand on his shoulder. Then she felt her face heat with a blush, "I'll miss you though."

His blush matched hers. "We'll just have to work really hard to make up for lost time. That's all."

“You sure that’s okay?”

“Of course it’s okay, Connie! I just want us to get to be together. It doesn’t matter to me when.”

He smiled a big toothy, eyes shut smile and Connie apparently read a meaning into it that hadn't actually been there. A “yes I want us to be a couple but that doesn’t have to happen right now." An “It’s okay, take your time. I’ll wait for you.” As him saying “we can be an us later.” Him saying that it could be a “not now.” And a not now isn’t a no!

"Looking forward to it." She had said as she leaned her head against his, still half an inch taller.

In that moment Steven gained a brand new label in her mind and her heart. _Future Boyfriend_. Her stupid, teenaged mind had thought Steven had relabeled her as well to Future Girlfriend. She had thought it was an agreement! It was a silent agreement but still an agreement that romance was in their future. The two of them being together was part of it all! Marrying Steven was a part of Connie’s long-term plans! Every possible future in front of her included Steven!

Connie's heart had jumped into her throat at the sight of his little picnic. Most of the stuff they did together still fit firmly in the category of friendship. Not everything. Connie doubted many friends cuddled in secluded spots on hilltops to look at the stars together. Especially with one of them having the other's varsity jacket draped over their shoulders "for warmth." Most friends probably didn't rest their head in the other's lap during movies letting said other friend run fingers through their beautiful black curls. There couldn't be too many friends who drove places with their hands held tightly between the seats. Friends might spend their study breaks on the phone together but probably not as often as Connie did with Steven. Steven and Connie tiptoed a delicate line between friends and dating.

The picnic though was hard to even pretend fit in the friend category. It was so cute. No one had ever done anything so romantic for her before. Though to be fair the only person who did any romantic things at all for her was Steven. He even pulled out his guitar, a swoon inducing cliche for almost every teenage girl that Connie was not immune to. She had often gushed to her more traditional types of friends about Steven's amazing musicality. This was the first time though Steven sang a song _for her_. It was maybe one step too far but she didn't care if he was breaking their unsaid rules because she felt like the most loved girl in the world when he finished.

Except less than a minute later he was on his knee with a ring in hand. Well glow stick bracelet. Her terror was almost beat out but the cuteness of that. Until he brought up living as Stevonnie. Then nothing but panic was left in her body. It only got worse the more he spoke. The more he said the more she wanted to turn heel and bolt! She was able to get a hold on herself. She was able to give him the same answer she had thought he had given her. "Not now." Later. Not today but someday. Of course someday! Not now did not mean no!

That night Connie laid in her bed when she should be studying, racking her brain on when and how she had given Steven the impression she was already his girlfriend. They certainly hadn't kissed since the summer before. She hoped she would have remembered their first actual kiss. So he couldn't have thought this for long. It had to be recent. She had messed up somehow. She must have done something wrong. She broke one of the rules. When had she led him down that path? How could she have confused him so badly? Had he thought the skating rink was actually a date? Oh no! And she had skated off with Patricia and Daniel! No wonder he was so upset that night! She had ditched her boyfriend on their date!

Wait a sec, what was she thinking? No she hadn't! Steven was not her boyfriend and the night at the skating rink was not a date! It must have been something else. But she couldn't for the life of her think of what. She lost a full evening of studying and half a night's sleep trying to figure it all out. She should have just stayed with Steven. The rest of her day had been a bust anyway.

She woke up at five am the next morning. She should have used that extra time to catch up on her studying. What she actually did was pull her sword out from under her bed, found her training clothes and headed out to the backyard. As she had told Steven, her parents were trying to support her hobbies and interests. It got a few stares from the neighbors when they had first put it in but the end of their yard now contained a sectioned off area meant just for Connie to practice her sword fighting. Training with Pearl was less frequent than it had ever with the galaxy saved and Pearl moving on to a healthier, happier life. Besides she was a great student and there wasn’t much else Pearl could teach her anymore. However a skill is easily lost if not practiced enough. So Connie practiced. Mostly to remain good at it... is what she told herself.

Connie took one deep breath in and grounded herself. Then she took her starting stance before she lunged forward. There was a quick turn with her next swing followed by a series of precise strikes towards her non-existent opponent. Her movement was careful, no step was unplanned, no swing unintentional. Connie was an expert in her craft. She had focus and she had control. Nothing she did was for show. It all had a purpose and it was all perfect.

Until…

Connie stumbled and made a wild swing forward as Pearl’s drained face looked down at her in her mind's eyes. A voice nothing like hers echoed from her teacher's smiling mouth _“Well what have we here? It’s another one of your pets.”_ Connie swung frantically twice more as she dived and dodged attacks that were not there. She held tight to her sword until her hands hurt and begged her to release to grip. She tightened it instead. She would never lose her sword again!

 _“It’s time to come out, Pink!”_ Soon everytime she swung her sword White Diamond's face flashed in her eyes. Without fail there was no swing not meant to slice right through the ruler of all gem kind and poof her on the spot. In her mind’s eye every hit was against her. From her it went to Jasper moments after Amethyst poofed in front of her and Steven. To the night in the hospital where not only her life and Steven’s were on the line _but her mother’s life_ . Then some other monster, now a saved gem. Anything, _everything_ that had ever threatened Steven or her or both. Her once precise thrusts turned into nothing but frantic waving as she killed imaginary foe after imaginary foe. As she saw the blood they never actually shed pour from their limbs as she cut them off. They disappeared into piles of smoke and she considered stomping the gems to pieces. Though even as a human she knew how wrong that was. They each died the death they deserved. The revenge and vengeance she was rightfully owed was fulfilled. They faded from existence taking the heavy pain in her heart with them. She lunged one last time, her last killing blow meant for White Diamond, before she was drained and it hurt to breathe. She hated them all! Every single one! 

And sometimes, very rarely, Connie almost hated Steven.

Never even remotely enough to put him at the end of her blade. She had never even put any of the crystal gems at the end of her swings. Not even Lapis, Bismuth or Peridot, all of whom had almost killed a few people she cared about. Besides it wasn’t like she actually hated Steven. She didn’t even really almost hate him. She loved him. She loved him more than she had thought it was possible for one person to love another. Her whole life she always thought that books and movies with forced relationships were unrealistic and unattainable. That it only set people up for disappointment. She would never tell anyone but the only reason the ever cynical of all things romance related Connie Maheswaren believed in love at first sight was due to Steven Universe. Because looking back at it she could never find a time she didn’t love Steven. She tried to pinpoint the moments in her life she went from “my new friend Steven” to “my best friend Steven” to “my first crush Steven” to “the love of my life Steven” and for each one of them the answer was always Steven on his knee presenting her with her glow stick bracelet. It was the stuff of fairy tales that most girls would probably have appreciated and definitely deserved more than Connie did at the time.

And he had ruined it! She slammed her sword into the ground making it stand upright before falling down to her knees in front of it. Her hands could not release the handle and she leaned her head against the base, holding the tears back.

How was she supposed to think about him pulling it out of his pocket and bringing light into their doomed world with the overwhelming panic she had felt only hours before was conjured from the same image? How was she supposed to fondly remember the speech he gave about seeing her the way no one else ever had when all she could hear now was “Let’s live as Stevonnie!” How could she fawn over the memory of his fingers on her skin when he had put the bracelet on her wrist when all she could feel was hugging him while he refused to hug her back? The safety she felt as he pulled her to the surface forever tainted by him looming over her with desperation on his face. He took the best memory of her life and warped it!

Yet Connie was the one left feeling awful! It was just not fair. She felt so awful these days. Whenever her face wasn’t in a book or she wasn’t sitting at a desk while in school she felt awful. Nothing else made the intense fear for her safety or the thoughts of cutting down the Diamond authority silent. Nothing else made the image of Steven, her soulmate, dying in her arms fade. White Diamond had been so careless with his body. She dropped him like a piece of trash that she’d found on her favorite toy. His gem. It was held so gently, almost lovingly in her fingers while the body was treated as completely expendable. He was lucky she hadn’t dropped him from too far up. He still hit the ground with far too hard and loud a thud. He lay there limply as Connie struggled in Pearl’s grip. For a moment too long it remained taut.

“St-steven? Steven?”

He wasn’t moving.

“Steven!”

It looked like he was unconscious. She wiggled and squirmed until she slipped from Pearl’s arms to the floor. White Diamond apparently had no interest in either her or him anymore. After falling without grace she half-crawled towards his body before clumsily getting to her feet to break into a full sprint. Part of her wanted to dash to her sword. He needed her though. She knew he did.

“Steven!”

She tripped and twisted her knee in a painful way with how quickly she dropped next to him. Wrapping her arms around him she patted his face as she had done so many times in the past. On the same cheek unbeknownst to her at the time she would kiss in two years. It didn’t seem as if he was breathing. His body was growing cold and he didn’t even twitch. For the longest and worst 15 seconds of Connie’s life, Steven Universe was dead.

“Steven, can you hear me?! Steven?! Steven, please! Steven, wake up! Look at me!”

Connie tears flowed even harder as her hands slipped to the blade of her sword. She fought the urge to push her palms into the edges. Just to feel something tangible as numbness took hold of her body. She had been so afraid as she carried him to the Pink Steven that had formed from his gem. She laughed. He brought it up so casually to her friends. ‘This one time I almost died, Connie almost lost me forever. It’s that funny? Isn’t it funny she can’t sleep further than two feet from her sword and has night terrors?’ How could the worst day of Connie’s life be somehow funny to him? Maybe that was how he coped. She was barely over 13 then yet somehow she was already truly, madly, stupidly in love with him. These days she felt like she had never had much of a choice in that and it wasn't fair!

Connie pressed into the sword enough to feel it but not to cut herself. She pressed her forehead to the handle. She began to cry. She had been a child! She had just been sitting in the sand, minding her own business, reading her book. It wasn’t her fault she sat herself down so close to the temple and Steven’s home. She didn’t even remember the kid. It had always been a happy memory for Connie. The happiest in fact. Now somehow even more so than when they were in White’s head ship it sometimes hurt to think about. Who was this boy to bust into her life and ruin everything? Who was he to think he was owed Connie’s time and her attention? How dare he make her fall in love with him?! So quickly and so young! She had never even been given the chance to love anyone else. He had her heart so firmly in his hand how could any other person even compete for it? Because how could she fall in love with anyone else with Steven around? Even if she hadn’t been such a lonely kid, it was hard to feel like she wasn’t destined for him. 

She let go of her sword and sat back on her feet. Only idiots in trashy romance novels said things like that. Only those same idiots in those same trashy romance novels commented on how love made them that way. When did Connie become some cliche character from the books her school friends passed along to each other in secret? When had she fallen so in love with Steven that her knees went weak and her body went hot? Most girls her age got to fantasize about guys who were in european boy bands, suave love interests in sexy stories, actors far too old for them, or even just their high school quarterback. She was only allowed to fantasize about the literal savior of the galaxy.

She felt like she’d been tricked. She hadn’t fallen in love with Steven, liberator of all gem-kind. She had fallen in love with the first boy to look at her twice. The first _person_ to look at her twice. She had fallen in love with a boy who loved both weddings and rock concerts. A boy who cried over ice cream. A boy who had a smile and laugh that felt almost permanent seeing how often he shared them. Eventually as she got a little older and he got older and hormones stopped being something only talked about in her health class. Then she fell in love with a new Steven. A young man who could lift his own car with one hand. A young man she had to look up at for a full six months months before she caught back up with him. A young man who actually had to shave now because his facial hair grew in patches and couldn’t form into a beard yet. It would someday though and it would look good on him. She knew it. A Steven with the same heart that she had loved when he was a boy but who was also growing into a man in all the right ways.

She hadn’t fallen in love with a warrior tasked with saving his entire race. She hadn’t fallen in love with some magical boy with a special destiny. She hadn’t fallen in love with a young man responsible for establishing peace across the universe. She hadn’t fallen in love with a guy whose life was literally always on the line. She hadn’t fallen in love with someone who could be stolen from her any time someone had a grudge against his mother. She hadn’t fallen in love with a person who would never not need her protection. He just happened to be all those things when she fell in love with him.

Standing up, Connie stared down her sword. With one hard, swift kick she dislodged her sword and sent it flying. It wasn’t fair! It wasn’t fair how important he was. It wasn’t fair that she had meant it when she said “not now.” It wasn’t fair that she had no choice but to love him! That she never had and never would! Because she knew what it meant, what it had felt like, to lose him. A world, her world, without Steven simply didn’t exist. She didn’t need Garnet’s future vision to tell her that.

She took a deep breath. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and wondered how 87 minutes had gone by already. She set an alarm to call him on her first study break of the day. She had told him that she would. Looking over her contacts she almost called him then. All she wanted in that moment was to be with him. Call him and laugh because they were happy to be together. Yet everything was different. The in-between place she was comfortable in didn’t exist anymore. It was time to pick one side or the other. As if there was even a choice. As if she would ever not choose to be with him. As if she wasn’t one-hundred percent his already .As if she was allowed to want anyone else.

Connie Maheswaren had fallen in love with Steven Universe and then she had to watch him die.

And that just wasn’t fair.

**Author's Note:**

> Before commenting understand the intent here is Connie's feelings are being warped by her trauma. I think Steven and Connie have one of the healthiest relationships on television. I just make everything I touch sad.


End file.
